Will the real dumb crappy please stand up?

We live in an age of experts, most often self-proclaimed and self-hypnotized, who can discourse on anything and everything. You can find them all around you. They are on the TV, 24 by 7, in the papers and unfortunately, in your offices too, sharing the cubicle with you. To the greenhorns among you: beware of such creatures and stay as far as possible to save your senses, whatever little you have. For these guys are, as Deepak, my ex-roommate at BIM, would fondly put it, “All fart and no shit”.

That said, we have no other option but to live with Gas, physical as well as figurative. If you have any doubts, borrow a clip from your mom and try having it on your nose for 10 minutes. To know the inevitability of ‘figurative’ gas, a quick trip to your local library would be more than sufficient. Life without God is possible, but without Gas? Hahaha. If you are discerning enough, you would know that God is a special case of ‘figurative’ Gas. Okay. Now that you have perfectly experienced the criticality of Gas for our lives, let us get to the 101s of how to live with Gas.

In the longstanding tradition of this blog to impart unparalleled wisdom to its readers, this post too is about to do exactly the same. Hop on! Now, towards the light of enlightenment!

The key to survival in such a Gaseous world is to the ability to discern between the nature of gases: to know the essential gases from ideal ones, the noble from the toxic. Before we get any further into the muzzier world of figurative gas/intellectual crap (just ‘crap’ from here on), getting a few basic definitions right is in order. In essence, crap is fun, if both the one who talks crap (crapper from now on) and his audience know it is crap and can treat it like it is.

Based on the ability to identify crap and the intent/attitude of the crapper, we can identify four types:

Clueless crappers: These are among the hopeless lot. They are so dumb that they themselves don’t realize all they say is crap. Despite their innumerability, they are less harmful compared to the next lot.

Cocky crappers: These are the most dangerous ones, because they believe in their own crap. To talk crap, knowing that it is crap is one thing. But to believe in one’s own crap is quite another. They know that what they talk is crap, but they steadfastly believe in it and more than that, want others to do the same. And to argue with these guys is hell.

More often than not, you can identify such Cocky crappers when it comes to criticizing art. Just a sample: to make you wiser. Listen to them talk about cinema: These apparent heirs of Aristotle want tighter screenplays and of all, logic, in all films they see. In their relentless pursuit of “intellectual high ground”, they tend to crystallize their brains so much so that they leave you wondering whether all they have inside their skulls is more of osseous stuff. In short, boneheads. If you are perceptive, you can see that these wannabe intellectuals try to earn brownie points by putting down others. If you have come across such Cocky crappers and have any interesting ways to deal with such souls, please share with the readers of this blog.

Crafty crappers: Such people cleverly employ the art of crap to manipulate the dumb millions that dot Planet Earth, particularly the Clueless crappers. The places where you can most often find such wily creatures are behind microphones – more often on grandly decorated podiums. Yeh, you got it right! Politicians, Professors and Philosophers. So now you know whom you should not listen to. And should you be made to sit in their audience, better shut down your systems and sleep off.

Cool crappers: What sets this adorable bunch of people, which the author is also part of, apart from the rest is that they talk crap just for the fun of it. Because of the rarity of such souls, most often, they are mistaken for other wily crapper categories.

Aside:

To avoid crap is impossible, for it is all pervasive. It is all about being open to challenges to one’s ideas. The gravest danger lies in taking one’s own opinions to be facts. It is essential to qualify whatever you hear/say. Who said it is as important, if not more than, what is being said. Whenever things appear complex, break it down: your English grammar exercises at school such as the “fact/opinion” or the 5Ws (what, who, why, where, whom) would be of great help.

Crap is complex, but truth is simple. Do talk crap, but don't forget to wrap it properly. After all, wrapped properly, you can sell any crap: election manifestos, "critically acclaimed" films (Mani Ratnam to Mel Gibson), all philosophy/self-help stuff (Paul Coelho to Robin Sharma), Harry Potter series, and the list continues.

And when in doubt, think simple.

Elementary, My Dear Watson!