Thursday, December 6, 2007

love chokes

Thanks to innumerable oft-repeated forwards that clog our mailboxes and “wise” status messages on gtalk, it is common knowledge that the one who hurts you the most is the one you love the most. But common sense, if any little shred of it is left in you, would say that should not have been the case, for love is almost an antonym of hurt. How then would you explain this apparent contradiction?

The answer probably lies in the way we see love. Relationships are all about sharing spaces, particularly emotional, and not invading each other’s spaces. But, invade we do - that too, so righteously, without even thinking about it for a second. For we take it as our right, sanctioned by just being in a relationship, however fleeting it is, to load up our expectations about the other person.

As I said in my old post, the existence of love is contingent upon the extent to which the expectations are met. Love is all about managing expectations. More often than not, we tend to force our expectations on the other. And we end up choking the very person we supposedly “love”. The more you “love”, the higher the chance that the other will be choked to death by “your love”.

And the irony is increasingly friends, who are supposedly “loving angels”, are rapidly taking over other relationships to win the hideous title of “The Biggest Chokers”. Probably large part of the problem lies in the very tag attached to a friend - “the one who listens to you without any judgment”. We are fooled into thinking that listening is essentially obedience. No wonder then that "perceived" disobedience leads to punishment and hurt!

Now, let me add to the heap of numerous platitudes that use the syntax ‘This is like that. Blah blah…”

Relationships are like trees. They need space – both sides: above and below the ground. The more they have space, the more they grow. So if you want your tree to grow, break the pot and plant it in the ground. Give it more space. If you insist on retaining it in the pot, you are stunting its growth.

That said, there is also a possibility that providing space might be mistakenly construed as aloofness/indifference, which might kill the tree straightaway. I for one would prefer giving space and ending up without a tree rather than having just the plastic "beauty" of a bonsai in the place of the full blown magnificence of a tree. It is up to you to decide whether you want bonsais! A tree is a tree is a tree.

Vilaichalin sumaiyai naan
vithaiyin muthugil yettruvathillai.
Vithai valarattum virumbiya vannam.


priya said...

Just loved this post SK:) Beautifully written!!!

Relationships are all about sharing spaces, particularly emotional, and not invading each other’s spaces.

-Totally agree!!!

If u r interested with tamil unicode-

sk said...

Thanks priya!! That WAS QUICK!! :)

Pramod Abraham said...

Some ppl like Bonsai... So as long as the tree grows I am fine !!

priya j... said...

Hey Sk.. This is Priya, the one from Singapore;P Nice post ya!! Well-written and articulate... The flow is good..

Content-wise, it is very true and I agree with your views... Keep writing sk.. Nee mattum book ezhuthinaa, naan kandippa padipen ;P

sk said...

A Bonsai is NOT the full potential of a tree. It is a severely restricted form of what could have been a wonderful possibility. Bonsai in a tree might appear good, but in a relationship?

priya j
thanks a ton!! :)

Sathiyan said...


According to me, as long as there are fools, they will get fooled..As long as ppl wanna get chocked they will get it !! Blame the one who wants it initially and pulls ppl around into it..Over time they get bored in getting chocked and that is when they feel uncomfortable. Nobody thrusts love. And unless reciprocated, nothing can move a step !! Surukkama sollanum na " Than vinai thannai sudum" :P

Ponnarasi Kothandaraman said...

:) Not bad... Ur brain & heart are synchronized for the 1st time.

I liked the kavithai than the entire post.. And yeah very true relationshp is indeed like a tree..Enna sometimes orey side over'a valanthruthu ;) either above the ground or below the ground ...and it becomes inbalanced :D

Srikanth said...

I understand and share your idea of relationships and love. Nice post.